I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
