My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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