Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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