Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
