hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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