I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just had sex bonerless
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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