I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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