i just sent this text using only my big toe
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
