Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
