I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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