I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
