I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
