i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
