During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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