This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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