I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
