It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
