**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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