i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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