You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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