I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
