He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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