I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
