I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
