We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
