Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
