Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
