TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
