if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
3pm strippers are depressing
Vodka?
Forever.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
