should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
