I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
