don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
