Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
