I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
