Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
