So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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