I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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