I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
