I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
