I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
