He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
