On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
