the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
