Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
