Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
