I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
