I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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