whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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