We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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