An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
