If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
